My Story of Awakening
’The awakening of my true essence was not a transcendent ascent – but a wild descent into the depths of my body and soul. It was in the dark that I returned to my light.’
We all have our own story, our own unique path. And yet, there is great power in sharing our stories again.
I deeply believe that something in us remembers when we hear true stories. Perhaps your soul wants to remember, too.
My story is for you if you feel your true power and aliveness have been lost along the way. If you’ve forgotten who you truly are. If you feel a deep longing for reconnection. For truth. For depth. For aliveness. For love.
This is not only my story.
It is a story of awakening.
A story of healing.
A story of soul rebirth.
A story of returning to the Goddess.
To the Great Mystery.
FROM A YOUNG AGE:
THE MASCULINE PRINCIPLE OF ACHIEVEMENT
I was born in Germany on the winter solstice of 1977 – the third of four daughters.
Modraniht – Mother Night – the night when the light is reborn from the deepest darkness, from the dark womb of the Mother. The mystical story of death and rebirth of the soul. My own life story.
As a child, I felt a deep love for the Sacred, for the Divine. This connection to spirituality accompanied me throughout my whole life. I sensed early on that we all have a soul purpose – and the desire to uncover mine became the driving force of my inner journey.
On the outside, however, I initially took a very different path. I had learned early to get love and recognition – especially from the masculine – through achievement, success, and mental intelligence. This pattern took the lead in my life. From my child’s perspective, I experienced the Feminine as weak, dependent, and of little value. So I pledged to myself: ‘I will never be a woman like that.’
I put on my ‘masculine pants’ and followed the Western success path of what I thought a ‘strong, independent’ woman should be. After studying business at university, I began an international career with the world’s largest beauty company, leading big teams, brands, and budgets. I loved my international job: traveling, the people, the challenges, the responsibilities, the money, the world of beauty.
And yet, deep down, I felt increasingly empty, disconnected, and burned out. It became harder and harder for me to keep playing the career game and maintain the outward mask of a successful, ‘perfect’ woman. I tried to fill the emptiness inside with more work, success, consumption, substances, and love and recognition from men.
I could barely feel myself below the neck anymore. I began to see myself as a giant, bloated head, driving forward like a machine. My body lagged behind – weak, thin, exhausted, connected to this machine only by a few fragile threads.
And I knew: If I didn’t change something, this machine would crash into a wall and shatter me into a thousand pieces.
MY DEEP JOURNEY BACK TO MYSELF
So in 2009, I followed the call that had always been quietly within me: to embark on the journey back to myself and my soul’s purpose.
I quit my career job and traveled around the world for 14 months with my then-husband. While I already had experience in spiritual and psychological work, this was the first time I consciously made space over an extended period to deeply explore who I truly am – beyond all the learned patterns and ideas of who I thought I was or had to be.
I began meditating regularly, practicing yoga, and absorbing the wisdom of spiritual teachings. At the same time, deeply suppressed emotions surfaced in the stillness and in the mirror of my relationship.
During our journey (in Costa Rica), I became pregnant, and in 2010, our son was born. The initiation into motherhood – followed shortly thereafter by the death of my father – triggered profound soul processes within me. In 2013, our daughter was born. Alongside my motherhood, I started my own marketing and PR consulting business, but deep inside, I knew: My soul wanted to birth something entirely different into the world.
A call, a burning longing, knocked persistently at my heart. It urged me to turn inward and remember who I truly am. The quote, ‘We are all meant to shine, as children do,’ from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love, was for a long time my inspiration and expression of my deep longing for this inner radiance.
In 2015, during a vision quest, I received the profound vision and mission to ‘be the light’ – and to touch and open people’s hearts with my golden light. I realized: I came into this life to be a channel for love. But my mind didn’t know how to do this. On the contrary – it judged me: ‘You are crazy! Who do you think you are!’
I felt deep within me this radiant power that wanted to be expressed. But at the same time, I couldn’t find the door to it. I felt cut off – from myself and from the sensual, joyful, nourishing flow of life.
My life didn’t feel authentic or fulfilled, but limiting and empty. Even though outwardly I had the ‘perfect’ life, inwardly I was deeply unhappy – in my marriage and in myself.
I knew: It’s time to break free – from old chains, from everything that kept me small. Something inside me had been stirring for a long time – and now it wanted to emerge with all its force.
I was hungry to love again. To step into my power, into my radiance, into my Eros – and feel life with all its untamed intensity. I longed to be an explosion of Shakti, of divine feminine, sensual creative power. And to embody the truth of my essence.
RETURNING TO THE WOMB OF THE GODDESS
In 2016, I was so desperate that something inside me broke open and surrendered. I found myself on my knees and prayed. For help. For guidance. For initiation into my light.
‘Please… let it happen through me. Make me a channel for Your love. Show me the way – I don’t know how to continue.’
After all the years of searching, of fighting, of self-optimization, I had come to a point where I couldn’t go on. I simply let go.
In that moment, I fully surrendered to the Divine. I stepped over the edge and jumped – not knowing this would transform my entire life from the ground up.
Something in me – my soul – knew. There was no turning back. No running from myself anymore.
This was when the Goddess took over.
I asked for initiation into my light.
She led me into the deepest darkness.
To find there what I had always been searching for:
The light, the love within me.
The path I was led down was wild. Deeply transformative. Healing.
I went through countless intense processes and initiations, descending deeper and deeper into myself. Over and over again, I encountered all the repressed parts of me – the wounds of the Feminine burned into my body, womb, and soul.
The witch wound. The priestess wound. The feminine power wound. The pleasure wound.
Feelings of deep worthlessness, powerlessness, fear, pain, shame – and a fierce rage against patriarchy.
I realized: This healing journey was beyond the personal. The pain I felt was not just mine.
It was ancient and collective – holding the wounds of our ancestors, past lifetimes, the Feminine, and Mother Earth herself. Something greater than ‘just mine’ wanted to be felt and transformed through me.
As my inner world changed, my outer life fell apart. My marriage. My security. Actually everything.
Goddess Kali, the destroyer, took over. In her purifying fire, everything that was no longer in alignment with my deep soul truth was burned to the ground.
The old wanted to die.
To shatter into a thousand pieces.
Until only the altar of my vast, open heart remained.
No more protective layers. Only raw, naked essence.
Open. Vulnerable.
And yet so powerful. So radiant. So alive.
There was that one moment when I was ready to die. Literally. Everything in me surrendered.
In that place, in dying, in the deepest darkness, I experienced the most incredible grace of pure divine love.
I realized I was walking the alchemical path of the Dark Night of the Soul – the ancient underworld death-rebirth journey told in the myths of Inanna, Persephone, and the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.
This journey of soul rebirth is intense – like labor pains. Uncontrollable. Untamable. Waves after waves.
Many times I thought it would never end. I feared I wouldn’t make it. That I would go crazy, be buried under the waves and never rise again.
But I did rise.
With each process, with each inner death, I experienced: I am held and guided by the Divine.
With each layer I shed, my inner light shone brighter.
Step by step, I returned home – into love, into my true power.
I reconnected with the feminine-mystical path.
I allowed myself to be fully guided by the wisdom of my body, by my intuition, by the Goddess.
I remembered the priestess I always was – and her wild, sacred feminine fire that had always been burning inside me.
TODAY, I LIVE AND EMBODY MY ESSENCE
Today I know: this deep underworld journey was my initiation.
Into love. Into my highest power. Into my soul’s purpose.
Into all that I truly am – and have been searching for my whole life.
Long-buried treasures have reawakened: deep wisdom, ancient soul gifts.
My intuitive channels have reopened wide.
The primordial creative power of my kundalini energy is fully awake.
I embody my essence.
I am an intuitive channel. A priestess. A sacred feminine healer & temple keeper.
I serve the Goddess. I offer with love what She brings through me.
I am here to remind women like you of your depth, your intuition, your mystical gifts, your sacred sexual power – your own living connection to the Goddess.
I create spaces where you can heal and remember.
Where you can reclaim your wild, sacred, loving, powerful nature.
Because I know: the path back home to your deepest essence is possible.
I have walked it.
If you feel the call, take my hand. I am here to guide you on this deep feminine path.